WHOAlizz on Xanga

Weblog

Friday, 27 April 2012

sometimes....

sometimes for no reason i miss you, its so strange, i am so beyond past you, but there is just that small part...that very small part that cant help but wonder.

where you always this way, or did you really change, did i make that up to justify it to myself? i couldnt have. right?
are you happy? i really do hope your happy, please know that...you deserve that, of everything i have ever wished upon you, you deserve happiness. i am still a little sad it couldnt be me to bring that happiness to you, but that is the way of the universe. i just hope that somewhere, at some point in time i did make you happy, i cling to that hope, i need it. i need to know that year of my life was not a waste, that you have not moved on and forgot, that would truly break my heart....to be forgotten.

for everything i wish i could forget, you will never be one of them. i promise you that. you were important to me, you are important to me, you taught me so much about myself and love and life and how sometimes people just cant be together. and i'm sorry for what ever faults lay with me. when i get into these moods and think about you i wonder what it would be like if we had remained what ever it was we were.....who would i be, would anything at all be different? would we still be something? can being something go on this long. today is just about a full two years since we met. i do still think about you.

of all the things between me and you, of all the shit, the tears, the late nights, the love, the anger, there was only one thing that broke us for good, and i feel as though it is partially my fault, you spoke the truth to me and i reacted badly and for that i'm sorry. i truly am, i dont regret for a second what i said or how i acted, but i am sorry. it is my fault, in a way, i never let you into that pocket in my head, never let you know how badly something like that would hurt me, you spoke the truth to me because you didnt know how badly the truth would hurt me, and i'm sorry for not ever telling you why i was so hurt. i know i confused you, belittled you, yelled at you, ambushed you, and hurt you and i'm sorry. i'm really sorry.

for what ever its worth to you, i never deleted your number, not because i didnt want to forget it, but because i knew i never would.

Friday, 30 March 2012

i havent felt this way since middle school.

i am so lonely. so painfully lonely.
and no one is listening.
i talk, i bare my motherfucking soul and no hears me.
nothing. nothing changes, and i'm lonelier than before.

my best friend in the entire world is constantly busy, and its always with other people. always. call me selfish i dont care maybe i am being selfish but it would be nice to see her every once in awhile when it can be me and her, no other people, no other distractions, just best friends hanging out. that hasnt happened in months. every time i call her shes busy, she has plans, something better is happening.

the other best friend is just to busy with the first best friend. she gets included, i dont. simple.

i miss my friends, i miss people answering my phone calls, i miss being called when stuff is going down, i just miss being included. i miss everything.

Monday, 27 February 2012

Dearest Dumb Bitch,

STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND!

you are not cute, you are needy and bitchy and a total psycho. trying to be like me will not make him want you back, it will only make me hate you more. trying to be cutesy and loveydovy will not make him want you back, it will only make me hate you more. reaching out to him in blatantly sexual and inappropriate ways will not make him want you back, it will only make me hate you more. do you see where this is going, i hate you and HE DOESNT WANT YOU BACK. with one phone call i could make him stop talking to you forever, but despite the fact that i FUCKING HATE YOU, i have no made that phone call. i have trusted him to have an appropriate and normal friendship with you, except every time i turn around there you are, doing something sneaky and skanky. so here is my most sincere message to you.

you are a sneaky, mind game playing, immature, needy girl. i would gladly tell you so to your face, however i dont trust myself in a room with you. if you ever approach my boyfriend in an inappropriate again way we are both going to find out just how fucking crazy i can be. get off my radar, get out of his life and find your own fucking boyfriend.....you cant have mine.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

insane, you are

i honestly dont think i have gone a day in my life that someone hasnt mind-fucked me with something that came out of their mouth. am i the only person who thinks everyone else is fucking nuts? like really?

example one: you think going to college so you can be a good wife is mature? thats not mature its so retroactively un-feminist that it makes me hope you never have sons so you can never create ANOTHER man in this world who thinks a womans place is barefoot in the kitchen.

example two: you do good things and charity work so that god will let you into heaven....so being a good person and having a positive impact on humanity has no motivational impact to you....you just want God to think your extra awesome? super.

example three: its societies fault your 18 with a baby no money, no support system, in a loveless and abusive relationship, and no way out? really? because sweet heart i know society didnt climb on top of you and get you pregnant.

i know i know i know, dont judge other people blahblahblah. well you know what i do. i judge other people, every day, all day, and so do you so bite me. people are nuts, i'm probably pretty nuts too so go ahead....judge me.

Thursday, 29 December 2011

silly boy

i love you silly goose.
you tell me every day how much i mean to you but i dont think you hear me when i tell you i feel the same.
never be worried about us, we are gonna be fine.
i love you i love you i love you

one day i'm gonna have your babies <3

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

lifetimes

i cant believe that 6 months ago i was
dating tommy
still in love with rob
desperately awaiting school
and i thought life was perfect then

gosh it feels like 6 lifetimes ago, i cant even remember his room, cant picture his face, or remember how he made me feel. everything has been wiped clean i feel like a new me, with all the same old insecurities thought opinions and smart ass remarks, but like a new person is generating them. i cant imagine being the way i was before, flitty and careless, neither here nor there just passive and drifting. it seems so strange "the was i was before" like i'm such a different person now than i was in the summer but i truly believe i am. i have changed, i have been changed, and i fucking love it. i never classified my self as happy until now, i mean is this what happy is? is this why everyone makes such a huge fucking deal about it, because this, the way i feel right now is fucking amazing. i guess you never realize how bad it was until its great, because this is great, and i know this is new.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

ehh why not.

i seriously fucking hate the cold. like a lot. i'm a disgrace to canadians every where.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

newness feels good

i feel like i can be me again, and that is a great feeling. i want to be open and new and bright and fun and wonderful and amazing and i feel like i can be all those things again. i never realized how squashed and little i felt till i found someone to open me back up again.

i used to hate how much the people in my life effected how i felt, but now i'm over it, its who i am, and thats alright with me. i do still hate how even when i kicked you out of my life you were still there on the peripheral mocking me with your indifference and emotional destitution, how you made me forgot how happy i am just to be me. i love myself and i want to grow as a person but when the person you invested so heavily in falls flat it can be a hard thing to reestablish yourself. i really dont know why i fought so hard to stay in love with you when falling out of love was so easy for me to do.

but love found me again, and i am on cloud fucking 9. really. truly. honestly. i love this man. i want to be with him. i want to wake up every day next to this man, i love him. this time i will be more careful though, i will not invest my self worth with his approval of me, with his affection. i know better this time, i know that my self love is more important than his love of me, and that his love can only enhance my own state of mind.
its been so long since i've been this clear minded i feel like a foreign invader in my own mind and i like it. i like this feeling, i dont think i have ever been this self aware and this self focused and i love that.

i remember when i was truly sober for the first time, the very first time when i hacked everything venomous out of my life and i felt like a void, like a giant big black open hole that was just floating and i remember loving that, loving that nothing and no one told me what to do or when and that i was just me, all alone just me. now i have someone to float with and that feels even better. feels more like the way i need to be, a big black voided hole with a companion. a companion that is all mine, just mine. i love this feeling.